When I came to, I was tied to a chair with some goon beating on me. My right eye was swollen shut but through the slit of my other one, I recognized the big palooka -- a feline enforcer for the dreaded Translesbigay Mafia.
“Albert, you sonovabitch.” I managed to grind out from between my bloody teeth. “Shouldn’t you be in jail somewhere?”
He just laughed and punched me in the gut.
Everyone in the ‘hood feared the Translesbigay Mafia. You didn’t dare cross them. Not a single one of them. Once I had seen a top secret police file with all their code names and aliases listed. It was a chilling Who’s Who of the criminal underworld --
Sixpence, Adam, Mistress Maddie, Carlos-y-Bob, Scoot, San Geraldo, “Doctor” Spo, Old Lurker, John-Going-Gently, Travel Penguin, (the allegedly) Reluctant Rebel, Breenlantern, LL Cool Joe, Rommy, Fearsome Beard. And one notorious sub-gang identified only as “Willym and the Hounds From Hell.”
But the most feared gang member on the list was simply known as “e” -- il capo dei capi, the Godmother of the Translesbigay Mafia, the dame who controlled them all and ran the ‘hood with an iron fist.
Where was I? Oh yeah, getting the crap beat out of me.
Albert worked me over pretty bad. He was a grumpy bastard, Albert. British domestic shorthairs always are.
Such a sassy and cool writing of the story. I wish to have your writing skill
ReplyDeleteThis will some day be made into a TV series.
ReplyDeleteYes, we collectively kneel and kiss the ring of e. Without her there would be no Big Sleazy.
ReplyDeleteLet me guess. Was HRH up on the table trying to sneak food from Albert's dish? She should know better than that, but that's what too much catnip, too much gin, and a... modest... intellect will get you. Albert was just doing his job, but don't underestimate that cat's ability to hold a grudge.
"Albert. British domestic shorthairs always are."
ReplyDeleteKilled.
I'm pretty strong most days see, but even that list of the Translesbigay mafia even has me shuttering in my bloomers. So much so, that I may need another g&t nice and neat, bar keep.
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant stuff, tongue in cheek humour with a gripping story.
ReplyDeleteOh the things that penguin has seen.
ReplyDeleteI never knew the truth about these guys before! This is a tell all!
ReplyDeleteLol. Great names. Imaginative and hilarious! Love the artwork too.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha
ReplyDeleteOMG I'm loving this so hard!!!
And yes, British domestic shorthairs always are.
XOXO
Whew - you drew some fierce blood splatter.
ReplyDeleteI won’t sleep a wink now that I know I’ve been associating with those I’ve come to learn are members of a notorious brutal Mafia gang.
ReplyDeleteYou should copyright "Translesbigay Mafia".
ReplyDeleteLooks like HRH Spayed will be gumming her food for the rest of her nine lives...
ReplyDeleteOh no! Not the Translesbigay Mafia!
ReplyDeleteOur hero is sure in a fix.
ReplyDeleteI’ll be back tomorrow to find out if he gets out ok
This is so much fun, Debra! I love your illustrations too. I get a kick out of hardboiled detective stories. My dad usually had one on the go stashed in the bathroom, and that's how I learned about the genre. All of my siblings are bathroom readers too. Thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteWe Translesbigay Mafia capos have our hands full. I try to keep a short leash on Albert but... yeah. British shorthairs. You'd think his gimpy leg would slow him down but no dice, sister. He's a bruiser.
ReplyDeleteEntirely off topic, but my wife showed this amazing carving today and immediately thought of you:
ReplyDeletehttps://imgur.com/gallery/METO7Jy?s=sms
Stunning carving work.
@ Unknown -- Thanks for that link to the fab wooden sculpture of bees and honeycomb! It's magnificent!
ReplyDeleteHas all this stuff, all these names, been tumbling over and over in your head all these years?
ReplyDeleteProse and art! You really are the total package :)
ReplyDelete@ Joanne Noragon -- Years? You give me too much credit, Joanne! When I started writing chapter 1 of this goofy story, I had no idea where it was going and who was in it, lol!
ReplyDeleteYikes! I will prefer to read the whole story on the superbowl day, after i can see how our translesbigay team survives the chicken wings and guacomole. I don't even know who is playing. It must be Eagles vs Packers. But i could be wrong. How would i know?
ReplyDeleteThis just gets better and better.
ReplyDeleteWhen i came to, i was tied to a chair with some goon beating me. Oh no! I will play dead until this bullie gets tired, finally. My uncle is Bugs Bunny, and he never gives up.
ReplyDeleteDid i already tell that Putin is dead? Let me be the first one to bring the news. I could be killed for this, but i have pygmy rabbit god messenger news. If i live or die, the message is still delivered.
So that is a curse.
Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteIf you all are just going to turn christian, be done with it. I do get tired of home decor and jabbing wannabee decorations.
ReplyDeleteKaren is dead, i think you already heard that. But she is not all dead.
Me personally, I have special gay protection, also i have bird protection and mountain protection. My smallest protection comes from Vlorra,i worry.
HAHAHA! I'm loving these posts. What an imagination you have, girl!
ReplyDeleteLoved it deArheart xx
ReplyDeletewhat mike said
ReplyDeleteOh my, I think I recognize some of these bad seeds! 'Translesbigay Mafia' LOL!
ReplyDeleteHaha I could sense I was in trouble!
ReplyDeleteA cameo by me? I hope I die
ReplyDeleteWoot! I'm in a gang! Do we all get matching jackets??? :D
ReplyDelete