Bad Puns

There are few things in life that I enjoy more than bad puns. Or as fellow aficionado Guillaume of Vraie Fiction calls them in French, les calembours atroces. In ANY language, bad puns are just plain groan-worthy good fun!

Let's start off this post with a few light puns and then move progressively to more and more atrocious ones, shall we?

And now -- drumroll please -- la pièce de résistance:

My Balcony

I've been in my apartment now for three years and it's only this summer that I've finally gotten around to making the balcony comfortable and usable. Better late than never, I guess!

But now I have put beautiful fake green grass on it, along with two fake (as in plastic, not wood) adirondack chairs and a matching table --

Plus a heavy iron-and-ceramic-tile stand to hold down that end of the fake green grass. It also acts as a plant stand for the two fake plants that I brought home from my office for just this purpose --

Down at the other end of the balcony, you can see my lovely little arrangement of two fake cedars and another container of fake greenery. The door leads to a storage room to keep all this crap in during the wintertime.

While this fake greenery does help to hold down that end of the fake green grass, what's REALLY holding it down is the fake cement rabbit which, let me tell you, weighs a goddamn TON --

I'm sure you've detected by now the CENTRAL organizing principle of my balcony decor -- yes, everything must be FAKE. No watering, no tending, no fuss, no muss. AIN'T NOBODY got time for that!

The only thing on my balcony that is NOT fake are the sonovabitchin PIGEONS which like to land on it and use it as their personal toilet. So, to keep them away, I have tied "holographic scare tape" to the railings from Lee Valley Tools. The tape's constant fluttering in the wind and its ever-changing rainbow reflections in the sun work PERFECTLY to keep pigeons away. Those mofos fly right past now and instead land upstairs on the balcony above mine!

So now on hot days, I can sit outside with a nice cold beverage and catch some breeze. All while casting my gaze over the lovely view of other buildings' ROOFTOPS and PARKADES, lol! Oh well, can't have everything. The Million Dollar View will just have to wait until I win the LOTTERY!

Mystery Blogger Award

A couple of weeks ago, Toni at Wandering and Wondering nominated me for the Mystery Blogger Award and I want to thank her very much for the honour! And may I just say that, if you're not a regular reader of Toni's blog yet, well, you should be! There's no mystery about that!

This award comes with a list of rules as long as your arm, but I already told Toni that I'm going to break them all! Yes, that's me, the little rebel. I'm cutting right to the chase -- answering the specific questions posed by Toni.

1. What author would you want to write your biography?
I would exhume, resuscitate and dust off the late John Mortimer, the English writer most famous for creating the Rumpole of the Bailey mysteries. To tackle my story, I need an entertaining writer with an insightful perspective on life and a good sense of humour. A critic once accused Mortimer of being a lightweight author because of his habit of "covering pain with jokes." This criticism mystified Mortimer because, as he said, covering pain with jokes is the only possible attitude to life. I agree wholeheartedly.

2. If your life was a movie, what would the theme song be?

I would choose one of my favourite women's spirituality chants called "Powerful Woman." I taught this chant to many women over the years in my Women's Drumming and Goddess Chanting Circle and it never failed to be a group favourite. My life benefitted tremendously from reclaiming my power in any number of areas, so this song has always resonated with me.



3. Destiny or Free Will?
Free will all the way, baby. While our life circumstances can both benefit us and limit us in various ways, in the end it is up to us to make the most of Life with what we are given.

4. Have you ever read a book that truly changed your life?
Oh yes, several. But the one which had the greatest impact on me was Descent to the Goddess: A Way of Initiation for Women by Sylvia Brinton Perera, which I read almost 3 decades ago. This slim volume is a Jungian analysis of the ancient Sumerian myth of the descent, death and rebirth of the Goddess Inanna. I happened to read it a few short years after the most harrowing period of my life and was stunned to see my life experience symbolically mirrored in the ancient myth with a truth and an understanding that I had found nowhere else. Before reading this book, it had never occurred to me that my ordeal had a spiritual significance. That breakthrough moment of realization hit me like a ton of bricks, let me tell you! And it marked the true beginning of my devotion to the Divine Feminine In Her Many Guises.

5. Who/What has had the greatest impact on your life?
Well, for better or for worse, I'd have to say my parents, I guess. Their influence has shaped my life in almost every way. There's no underestimating the impact of our childhoods and families of origin, is there?

6. Funny/weird question: If you could bring any fictional character to life, who would you choose?
Well, at the moment, I am absolutely OBSESSED with the subtextually-queer coded narrative of Captain America and the Winter Soldier as being the greatest star-crossed tragic lovers since Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliff and Cathy, Mr Darcy and Elizabeth, COMBINED. So either one of those two angst-filled boys would be fine with me.

And now, I'm going to throw this award open to anyone who would like to claim it and answer the same set of excellent questions devised by Toni!

WHO will take up the challenge?

Manna From Heaven, Etc.

Hey, how about some religious food 'n drink jokes? Now before anyone gets all shirty about it, I promise to be as even-handed as I can!

First of all, belly on up to the salad bar, Christianity!

And next -- a toast to all you Mormons! I know, I know, this LOL is particularly off-base because you don't drink except for (non-alcoholic) "Mormon beer." So perhaps this is really for all you "Jack Mormons" out there! *

* If you haven't heard this term before, "Jack Mormons" are people who have left the church and now do forbidden things like drink alcohol (the nickname comes from Jack Daniels whiskey)

Finally, you atheist Pastafarians aren't going to be left off the buffet table this time!

The Cone of Shame

No animal likes to wear "the cone of shame" while healing from an injury, that's for sure. Some like it less than others --

Some try to (naively) make the best of it --

Others discover that they have unexpected friends --

Of course, not everyone is sympathetic --

Sometimes an animal's cone brings out their humans' sense of humour --

Clever animals can adapt quite well to a cone --

But even so, it still interferes with some basic functions of life --

Sometimes, in a pinch, other substitutes must be found --

And you know what? There are certain humans who should wear a cone of shame too --

Some more than others!

Wonder Women Through the Years

We all start off with SO MUCH energy and determination when we're young and new to the superhero life, don't we?

And then we reach our peak of womanly POWER, lassos firmly in hand, strong, calm, confident and in charge!

And sure, by middle age, maybe there's a few extra pounds, our thighs are chubby and we're starting to look and sound more like Roseanne every day, but we STILL kick major ass!

But the day inevitably comes when gravity and cellulite have won the battle, when we switch our stiletto boots for sneakers and DAMN, don't granny panties feel comfy?

So are we now washed-up Wonder Women?

SHIT NO and get the FUCK out of our way cuz we are NOT gonna miss our coupla margaritas and our favourite programs on TV, you villainous bastard YOU.

[I posted the original version of this in 2011. I hope you enjoy it again, ever so slightly revised!]