YES! It's time for the
TRIAL OF THE CENTURY,
as promised!
TRIAL OF THE CENTURY,
as promised!
And I, Her Royal Highness the Cat,
am the PROSECUTING CATTORNEY.
All rise! Court is now in session,
JUDGE JUDY presiding.
JUDGE JUDY presiding.
Debra She Who Seeks: Oh oh.
Judge Judy: Are the members of the jury
ready to hear the evidence?
ready to hear the evidence?
Jury Members: Yes, Your Honour, we're ready.
Debra She Who Seeks: Oh oh.
Prosecuting Cattorney: Your Honour, today I will prove
beyond a reasonable doubt the actual reasons
why the accused, Debra She Who Seeks, is
scarcely reading any real books anymore!
scarcely reading any real books anymore!
Jury: (audible gasp)
Prosecuting Cattorney: Debra She Who Seeks,
you say your reading of books has diminished
because life and other legitimate obligations
you say your reading of books has diminished
because life and other legitimate obligations
simply get in the way.
Debra She Who Seeks: Yes, I am a very busy woman
despite being retired. I go to tai chi, I take art lessons
and bridge lessons too! I just don't have
any TIME to read!
Prosecuting Cattorney (pointing an accusatory paw):
But do you not spend hours on the internet every day
reading OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOG POSTS?
Debra She Who Seeks: Well, yes, but . . . but . . . .
Prosecuting Cattorney (whirling to face the jury):
And what about the time you waste on
(visibly shuddering) COMIC BOOKS?
And what about the time you waste on
(visibly shuddering) COMIC BOOKS?
Debra She Who Seeks: Now just wait a minute here!
I only read one collected edition all year long --
Captain America Vol.1: Winter in America!
I only read one collected edition all year long --
Captain America Vol.1: Winter in America!
Prosecuting Cattorney: But you intend to read
all the subsequent volume(s) too, don't you!
Debra She Who Seeks (hanging head): Yes.
Prosecuting Cattorney (purring dangerously):
But now we come to the most EGREGIOUS
TIME WASTER of all, don't we?
Debra She Who Seeks (primly): I'm sure I have
no idea what you're alluding to.
Prosecuting Cattorney: One word!
And that word is FANFICTION!
And that word is FANFICTION!
Debra She Who Seeks (visibly shaking): No, no!
Prosecuting Cattorney (triumphantly):
Yes, yes! ENDLESS HOURS spent on
the internet reading FANFICTION SMUT
about Captain America and the Winter Soldier!
Prosecuting Cattorney (mockingly):
"Oh, Steve!" "Oh, Bucky!"
"Smooch, smooch, smooch!"
Debra She Who Seeks (sobbing hysterically):
Yes, yes, it's all true!
I can't . . . I can't help myself!
I can't . . . I can't help myself!
I just love those kinky boys too much!
Judge Judy: Well, I think we all know what this means.
Judge Judy: And now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
it is up to you to decide whether Debra She Who Seeks
should be acquitted or convicted of the
crime of not reading enough real books.
And, if convicted, what should her sentence be?
And, if convicted, what should her sentence be?
Debra She Who Seeks: I fling myself
on your mercy, oh wise and compassionate jury!
So what's your verdict?
78 comments:
ACQUIT! ACQUIT! ACQUIT!
Not guilty due to extenuating circumstances. The lure of the internet is simply too powerful.
In any case, juries are entitled to nullify laws which have become antiquated and no longer reflect justice in changed circumstances. Reading is reading, and format does not determine quality. If those same smutty fanfics were compiled and published in book form, would they suddenly become more worthy? Some comic books* and blog posts are intelligent and worthy works; von Däniken wrote "real books", but they aren't fit even to serve as birdcage liner.
At least you're reading actual text. It's not like those people who spend all their time on "social media" posting photographs of their lunch.
Nevertheless, HRH the Prosecuting Cattorney makes a vigorous case, and I would recommend her for the same role in the trial of Donald Trump.
As for the revoked card, do such simple and limiting labels really describe a modern person? As the ever-proliferating kaleidoscope of ships demonstrates, people are capable of an infinite range of fascinations. Like what you like, and don't worry about whether it fits a category.
*I say this largely due to familiarity with the Japanese kind, you understand.
Well, you ARE reading, right? Blogs and comic books, and, well, there's the whole hot gay man sex angle.
I think the jury is hung.
And I know this because I saw them in the changing room.
Methink kinkiness should always get you freedom!
You do read, just not books. Not guilty.
The jury is rigged. As is the judge. As is the whole gang.
@ Infidel753 -- I am ready, willing and eager to prosecute DONALD DUMP. I'd bury him so deep in the litterbox of justice that he'd never crawl out again!
Reading is reading. And you should keep reading my blog.
Well Debra, This looks grim. HRH sure threw the book at you. You never even indicated that you were willing to turn over a new leaf. Web pages don't count as printed pages. You should have pointed out that the practice of printing books is rapidly deforesting Canada--the only way to drive a wedge in HRS's prosecution.
But don't worry--when they lock you away as you deserve, I'll send you a cake with a file in it.
--Jim
@ Parnassus (Jim) -- Please make it a chocolate cake!
My verdict is that this post is one of your best, friend D :) … BTW: Is it cold enough for you yet? Stay warm, eh? Love, cat.
Amusing read, dear Lady Debra
Debra, I noticed you didn't have a defense attorney. Let me handle this, I have a cat. Umm excuse me kitty cat, would you like mommy to start buying the "no name" cat food or the discount food from Wal-Mart? Hmmmm? I can't hear you? I didn't think so. Well at least you are reading but most importantly, where do I find this smutt about Captain America in a gay relationship... for purely research purposes of course. Oh next I'll work on getting your lesbian card back, it's easy, just a few selfies at home depot and watch a bit of Ellen before the lesbian quiz and you're good to go.
...and I laughed and laughed and laughed at this.
You're guilty as sin, but I'm a fair judge, so I'll sentence you to one Robertson Davies novel. I'd suggest The Rebel Angels or What's Bred in the Bone, wicked funny reading and since you've probably read them already, a good way to jumpstart your book reading.
After careful consideration I find the plaintiff GUILTY as charged. If the plaintiff wishes to continue expanding her horizons, she MUST diversify her literature to include , and foremost!, literary challenges to increase wit, language skills & humour.
It's love ❤️ xoDebi
I agree with Anne Marie (hey, that rhymes!). Of course, I still on occasion pull up Starsky and Hutch fanfiction. Can't beat the classics :)
NOT Guilty!!!
Only thing is if you do get locked away, you'll have a lot more time to read and have kinky girl sex, so I say GUILTY! Have fun!
Uh oh - I think you are going down Debra.
I will excuse myself from the Jury as I have similar issues. I do not read enough books. I am both very busy and I also waste a lot of time. I was just thinking of putting together a time management plan to try to make it better. That has worked before.
I vote for an acquittal because, the truth is, I'm just as guilty.
To the one who would prosecute our president I suppose you wouldn't have anymore evidence than Pelosi, Shiff and the gang. Thanks for all you do, Mr. President!
Amy
Your reading has changed not stopped.
@ Soooo-this-is-me -- Your EVIL ADVICE on how to control me will not work. Now that I am a successful CATTORNEY, I'm making money PAW OVER CLAW and can afford to buy my OWN cat food. And I buy only the BEST.
@ Anonymous Amy -- "The wheels of justice turn slowly, but grind exceedingly fine."
MISTRIAL.... somebody replaced the first jury with 12 different people! Get yourself a good defence lawyer, Deb -- you know perfectly well that the person who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client!
As for the orange ass-monkey, an "HRH-Pitbull with lipstick" tag team should take care of him nicely.
@ Sooo-this-is-me -- Oh, I knew one of you gay boys would want a link and I'm not surprised it's you. So here's a link to a search results list on Archive of Our Own which lists every Explicit-rated Steve/Bucky fanfic in English. As of right now, there's only 8,453 of them, so start reading!
https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Brating_ids%5D%5B%5D=13&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=en&commit=Sort+and+Filter&tag_id=James+%22Bucky%22+Barnes*s*Steve+Rogers
@ brewella deville -- I'm a big fan of Robertson Davies and back in the day, I read virtually all his novels and essays, including the two you recommend as my sentence. So does this mean I get to go scot-free now? Yahoooooooooooo!
@ Deedles -- Starsky/Hutch? I salute you, fanfic pioneer!
@ LL Cool Joe -- Yeah, it's pretty much a win/win situation, isn't it?
And in the same spirit --
@ Lady M -- Don't think I don't understand your double entendre!
@ Tundra Bunny -- I can't AFFORD a good defence lawyer . . . I've got ART LESSONS to pay for!
Tell Judge Judy to leave Debra alone. She should be on the Giant Cheeto’s trial(s) instead!
As your punishment, you must read War and Peace this weekend. You better get started.
That was great. You know me. I say hang them all and let the Gods sort them out.
Personally, I can't read a thing at this moment. I just got back from my eye exam and the doctor dilated my eyes. I can't see a single thing even with my glasses on.
If the shoe fits, you must acquit! If something fits... I don't know! I'm confused! My back hurts. My mouth hurts and I need a shower.
I think the cattorney is too hard on you. I vote for acquittal because you definitely read.
Love,
Janie
Guilty! Guilty!
Clearly, Debra She Who Seeks has led a difficult life and faced many forms of systemic oppression. Nonetheless, rules is rules and Ms. She Who Seeks is culpable for her own misdeeds, and also we are a bunch of privileged people who are closet Republicans and don't believe in that systemic oppression nonsense anyways.
The jury recommends the following sentencing:
- Ms. She Who Seeks shall read at least seven books in 2020.
- Shall attend 12-step meeting programs with fellow fanfic sufferers to recommend hot stories... uh... no, wait.. to overcome their debilitating conditions
- Shall take on community service duties as recommended by the Lesbian Membership Committee to regain her membership in good standing
- Continue Tai Chi, art classes, bridge and commenting on my blog while managing all of this other stuff
- Keep the computer/phone in some other room so she is not distracted when it is reading time
Ms. She Who Seeks shall be held accountable for this rehabilitation plan to her parole officer, whom she will adopt from the local Humane Society, and to whom she will not stingily ration the gushy food. This will help break the toxic stranglehold her toxic associates (namely one HRH The Cat) has had on her standing as a valued member of society.
Acquit! Reading is reading. It doesn't have to be books. If you made it through Robertson Davies, whom I'm still working on, you get a lifetime pass!
Thanks for the links. Unfortunately for me my cat Kitty got an idea from your cat and now has her own job as a catsultant in a large company.
@ Old Lurker -- Wow, you are one strict law 'n order mofo, aren't you, Lurkie? But I will take you up on your "7 books in 2020" challenge and by gawd, I will achieve it!!!!!
@ Fundy Blue -- A lifetime pass! Thanks, Louise!
@ Old Lurker -- TOXIC ASSOCIATE? Don't forget that I can travel anywhere in the space/time continuum to wreak my revenge. Don't ever put on your shoes again without checking inside them first, mister . . . .
@HRH: You heard me. Not only were you aloof and neglectful of Ms. She Who Seeks during your lifetime (that is, when you weren't off sashaying with Lady Gaga) but then you had the temerity to die on her. As if that wasn't bad enough, rumor has it that you subsequently FORBID Ms. She Who Seeks from adopting another caretaker. Is it any wonder she is in trouble with the law now? Have you no shame?
As the jury we hope this harsh sentence will rehabilitate Ms. She Who Seeks and set her on the straight and narrow path (so to speak), but it is not clear to us that she is the one who should have been on trial.
@ Old Lurker -- HOW DARE YOU, you peasant, HOW VERY MUCH DARE YOU! You are not FIT to criticize ME, related to ROYALTY as I am. And Debra She Who Seeks is MY HUMAN and I can do with her whatever I WANT. Be GLAD that I don't have a WORDPRESS account or I would TROLL YOUR BLOG FOREVER.
@ Old Lurker and @ Her Royal Highness -- Now, now, let's just all calm down! There's no need for the fur to fly! Can't we all just be friends? Let's join our hands and paws together now -- come on, join in with me -- "Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya . . . ." There now, isn't that better?
HRH: "I'd bury [Trump] so deep in the litterbox of justice that he'd never crawl out again!"
Now there's a vision we can all support.....
Definitely acquitted! Retirement should be filled with things that are entertaining you in the moment. :)
Brilliant execution of a trial with a jury of her peers. However, she must be found not guilty. Reading is reading, no matter what the format may be. Fan fiction, blogs, newspapers, the back of cereal boxes, it matters not, reading is reading.
Besides, for book reading, if you really must have to read in order to fulfill the prerequisites of the sentences being, use either Dr. Suess or Dick and Jane primers. They're short, sweet, and completely petite.
Not guilty! You can never trust the cat. Throw a few treats at them and they'll say anything :)
Hahaha! Never trust a cat! And keep on reading ... whatever you want to read! :)
Well, if they pronounce you guilty and arrest you, there will probably be handcuffs involved. So that's a plus!
Throw the case out!! A waste of the courts time..Show me the law that says one must read x amount of books...
HRH needs to et off of her high horse..show a little restraint...after all, who feeds you??
This was great Deb....Time well spent
@ Insomniac's Attic -- Ha ha, you know me too well!
The fans have spoken
I,d say not guilty, partially because comic books are still technically books. Sometimes they even are true literature. I count Mauss as one of the books I read this year,and given the subject matter and how great it is, I think itis fair.
Sounds like a mistrial
Non violent first time offender, your honor, I am sure there is a counseling program she will enroll in, and you can waive the charges if she is compliant with treatment. (Hey, this worked in one of the couple of criminal cases I ever represented a client in :))
My verdict: innocent. You may not have read what 'established society' deems real, but you read real words just the same and also comic books are...well, books! Just because they have pictures doesn't make them any less imo.
However, I might suggest that you (like me and probably everyone else) should spend a little less time in front of our screens and a little more time with a good old fashioned book in our lap. In fact, I'll give you a recommendation: An Empire Called Memory. I just finished it and loved it.
Not Guilty! I read light fluffy stuff - not those "Great and Serious Novels". Light and fluffy!!!
Never mind about your transgressions book-wise, I can't forgive you for putting Kumbaya in my head where it'll wind round and round and round till the end of the week..
declare a mistrial based on mental incapacity
Oh, aquit most definitely. This is my life. Well, without the fan fiction smut. Or Comics. Or Tai chi. Actually, just bloody busy, or too bloody knackered to read a real life book. They're too heavy to hold upright when I'm falling asleep. I wish you well with your new found freedom.
Not guilty for reasons of "Oh, Steve!" "Oh, Bucky!" I mean, who can resist that?
hung jury..if you get my drift
I tried to leave a comment on this while traveling because I wanted to be ON YOUR SIDE as soon as possible, but apparently, I was having technical problems. Surely you won't call on me as an attorney, but I would totally be a character witness!
There is no way you are guilty...you are reading daily and that's all that counts. (I declare it myself!)
Fanfiction? Totally intrigued....:)
haha this was hilarious..
If you continue to buy books, stack them on your night stand with the intention of eventually reading them, then there is no way you can be found guilty.
Not guilty
the Ol'Buzzard
Weighing in late here, but still on your side! Reading is reading. Full stop. Yes, some of us think that books are the best, but but but... reading is reading.
Also, the side bar with your Lesbian card being revoked - judicial over-reach! You are not the first lady-loving-lady to enjoy a little boy-on-boy action. My ex loved it! Yuck! Lol.
(LL Cool Joe had the right idea, though. If they haul you off to the Women's Prison, well, let's just say that I would appreciate some updates from the inside. Wink.)
Guilty as charged, sentenced to report on Captain America's rise and...rise.
How could Judge Judy argue this?
Fun post, Debra.
@ e -- Thanks for defending my right to a continued Lesbian Membership Card! We can't help our kinks, can we! Gay male porn is just one of mine, I guess!
My verdict: I looooove Lawyer cat!
Also, reading is reading. Reading blogs is probably as good as reading books. At least it's not television!
Doesn't matter what you read as long as you read. I always keep a book on my phone just in case I get stuck somewhere.
i think the aim is "LEARNING" and if you learn for better no matter what the source is i am with you
this is really wonderful post and it was hard to keep my laughter low lol
hugs!
*looks up from the latest Girl Genius comic I got from the library* Not guilty. But I'll need the website for the Bucky-Cap slash, you know, just to be sure. :D
mmm difficult. If I find you guilty then I must also find myself guilty because although I do read about one book a month I have lapsed of late because of other interests and, like you I spend hours reading blogs! So it has to be not guilty, stuff just gets in the way.
Not Guilty! Words are words, be they in comics, blog posts or books.
blessings
~*~
Not guilty! LOL!
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