A Fierce Warrior, The Grey Cup, Rockabilly, and Non-Stop Foul Language

Went with friends to see an excellent new play by a local Edmonton playwright about the top Allied sniper in World War I, a First Nations man from Ontario named Francis Pegahmagabow. He came home after the war to fight another ongoing battle for indigenous rights in Canada. In those days, native people were confined to reservations, were not legally citizens, could not vote, had their lives controlled by paternalistic white bureaucrats, and their children forcibly removed to residential schools.

As a good Canadian, I watched the Grey Cup championship CFL game on TV. Alas, the heavily favoured Winnipeg Blue Bombers got their asses handed to them on a plate 41-24 by the underdog Toronto Argonauts.

Been enjoying Dwight Yoakam's new album of original songs, full of twang, drawl, heartache and sass. He may have scraggly grey hair now but his voice, sound and style are as accomplished as ever, if you like classic rockabilly country, which I do.

And at long last, Deadpool & Wolverine is streaming on Disney+ and I can report that it is THE. BEST. DEADPOOL. MOVIE. EVER! My favourite bit is the after-credits scene, a virtuoso rendition of non-stop foul language and vulgarity (*chef's kiss*). I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet by revealing who gives that Oscar-worthy performance, lol, but there seriously needs to be a statuette in his future. He was apparently very enthusiastic about committing the monologue to memory rather than just relying on cue cards as suggested.

P.S. I've just discovered that, OH, OF COURSE, that scene is posted on YouTube anyway, so if you really do want to watch it, simply click here.

Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 5 -- Hell Hath No Fury

With HRH Spayed and Agents Yuri, Knut and Buster Borghese clustered behind me, I stared down She Who Seeks. As H.A.R.E.’s top agent and best field operative, I am not easily intimidated.

“I’ll tell you what we’re doing in your office. Allow me to quote the official motto of H.A.R.E. -- Futuo Circum et Cognoscere. It means Fuck Around and Find Out. We’re here to see JUSTICE prevail!”

I activated a GPS transmitter signal on my phone. The office immediately filled with a familiar firenado of explosive light, heat, and rage.

“Good work, Commander Tundra Bunny,” Mother Nature roared. “I’ll take it from here.”

Only fools cross Mother Nature. Sure, she’s nurturing, generous, bountiful, and life-affirming. Until you do her the dirty, like killing her Chief Wizard and stealing her Karmic Crystal of Justice for evil purposes. Incidentally (and this is a fact not known to many people, including She Who Seeks), the Karmic Crystal of Justice doubles as a shockingly powerful bomb when needed. All Mother Nature had to do was detonate it while teleporting us outside to safety.

 

As we walked away from the smoking crater that was once the headquarters of the Translesbigay Mafia, a single sensible shoe, charred and blackened, fell out of the sky, narrowly missing HRH Spayed. A cockroach skittered out of the shoe, desperately trying to escape.

“GOTCHA!” Spayed exclaimed in triumph while stomping on it. “Like Shakespeare said, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

After saying our farewells to Mother Nature and the other Agents of H.A.R.E., Spayed and I walked on under the alternating streetlights of the dark avenue, Spayed’s fedora and trench coat only dimly visible in the gloom.

“Tundra Bunny, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“No, it isn’t,” I replied. “I’m allergic to cats.”

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2024]

Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 4 -- The Sniff Test

Revenge was sweet alright, but now we were at a dead end. Agents Yuri and Knut glanced at each other and then looked to me as team leader. “How can we find She Who Seeks now?”

“We’ve got to bring in the Big Gun,” I said. “Or, in this case, the Big Nose.” One quick phone call later and a small black-and-brown dog materialized in the bar. “This is Agent Buster Borghese of H.A.R.E.’s Reconnaissance Division. Best tracker in the biz. There’s no one he can’t find.”

“How can he track She Who Seeks when we don’t have any items with her scent?” HRH Spayed wasn’t a clever dick private eye for nothing.

I grabbed Dudo’s bar rag off the counter. “Buster’s going to track Dudo instead. I’m positive that little feline fink will make a beeline right to our missing consiglieri.”

Buster Borghese lived up to his reputation and then some. We followed him as he sniffed his way in the dark down every grimy skid row street, past every drug dealer and scumbag in the city. He led us around the heavily-secured downtown courthouse until we found ourselves in “Shysters’ Row” where all the fancy-schmancy office towers of the legal profession were located.

Then, without further ado, we Agents of H.A.R.E. and HRH Spayed found ourselves face-to-face with the nefarious She Who Seeks in her plush, penthouse law office headquarters of the Translesbigay Mafia.

 

“WTF do YOU losers want?” She Who Seeks yelled as she adjusted the Karmic Crystal of Justice hanging around her neck. “Get the hell out of my office right now . . . OR ELSE!”

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

You can visit Buster Borghese at A Day With The Mistress Borghese]

Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 3 -- A Kick in the Ballistics

With Spayed leading the way, we stumbled down a badly-lit urban back alley leading to a seedy gin joint. Its flickering neon sign read “Dudo’s Dumpster Dive.”

“These are the guys I was telling you about,” Spayed whispered to me as we entered and then shouted “Hey, Dudo! Hey, Moose! Long time no see, you double-crossing bastards!”

The bartender Dudo yowled “We’re closed! Get out!” while Moose the bouncer leaped over the bar and viciously attacked us. I easily subdued him with a strategically placed martial arts kick and then handcuffed him securely.

“Who ARE you?” Dudo demanded.

“The name’s Bunny, Tundra Bunny,” I said coolly. “Gimme a carrot juice -- shaken, not stirred.”

We pumped them mercilessly for information about She Who Seeks but they both swore up, down and sideways that they didn’t know her whereabouts.

“You knew perfectly well where that dame was when you betrayed me to the Translesbigay Mafia,” HRH Spayed snarled. “Now you’re gonna pay for that! Which one o' youse wants to permanently take my place in prison?”

“Not me! I’m too pretty for Pawshank!” Dudo shrieked as he shoved his litter-mate Moose aside and jumped through the plate-glass window to escape.

“So much for brotherly love,” Spayed noted dryly. “Guess that means it’ll be you, Moose.”

A quick summons brought Agent Knut, a big polar bear, to the bar. He teleported himself and the downcast captive Moose to Pawshank Penitentiary where, with a simple abracadabra, he turned Moose into Spayed’s form, and then returned with Agent Yuri.

We all had carrot juice to celebrate.

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2023.

You can visit Dudo and Moose at Moving with Mitchell]

Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 2 -- Trading Places

My first stop was Pawshank Penitentiary holding Gandalf’s convicted murderer, HRH Spayed. To avoid detection by prison authorities, I simply teleported into the cell (yes, very Star Trek). My sudden appearance out of thin air scared Spayed half to death.

“I’m finally going stir-crazy! I’m seeing freakin’ white rabbits now!”

“Actually, I’m an arctic hare. Commander Tundra Bunny, Agent of H.A.R.E., at your service. Mother Nature sent me and man, is she pissed off at YOU, buddy.”

It didn’t take Spayed long to spill the beans about the whole sordid mess and about how the real murderer, She Who Seeks of the Translesbigay Mafia, had railroaded Spayed into prison using the stolen Karmic Crystal of Justice.

“Do you know where this She Who Seeks is now?”

“No.” Spayed hesitated. “I can help you find her though. I know a couple of guys. But you gotta spring me outta here first.”

“Yeah, we can do that, no problem.”

An arctic wolf named Agent Yuri magically manifested beside me, ready for action. All our agents are accomplished shapeshifters, so Agent Yuri immediately changed himself into an exact carbon copy of Spayed. With Spayed’s temporary clone remaining in the cell to allay suspicion, the real Spayed and I teleported out of the prison to freedom. And to vengeance.

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2023.]

Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 1 -- Mission Impossible

Mother Nature is usually a calm and placid immortal being, emitting gentle rays of green, blue and indigo light, so loving and peaceful. But the morning Mother Nature phoned the headquarters of High Arctic Reconnaissance & Espionage (H.A.R.E.), she was a blazing firenado of crimson, orange and yellow flames, shooting out showers of dangerous sparks and an occasional lightning bolt!

“Send over your very best field operative right NOW!” she demanded.

And that’s how I came to be in her office that fateful morning. 

Oh, let me introduce myself -- Commander Tundra Bunny, Agent of H.A.R.E. We’re a secret, covert organization based North of 60, sworn to protect the ecosystems of the High Arctic. Because of our special skills and extraordinary capabilities, however, Mother Nature often relies on us to handle sensitive missions wherever needed in the world.

“Someone has murdered my Chief Wizard Gandalf and stolen my Karmic Crystal of Justice!” Mother Nature raged. “I need you to get it back for me! Assemble a team and find it STAT!”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Now’s the time to cue the Mission Impossible theme music running through all of your heads . . . .

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.]

A Soon-To-Be "Noirvember" Classic!

Presenting the sequel of the century -- an exciting literary and artistic collaboration between blogging buddies Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks! The stunning conclusion to last year’s best-selling blockbuster noir thriller, The Big Sleazy (which you can read or re-read here if you want).

One short (very short) chapter of the short (very short) story AGENTS OF H.A.R.E. will be posted every day for the next five days!

You’ll laugh! You’ll cry! It will change your life forever!

Our story thus far . . . 

Hapless Private Investigator HRH Spayed is incarcerated in Pawshank Penitentiary, doing hard time for a murder actually committed by She Who Seeks, consiglieri of the Translesbigay Mafia. Armed with the stolen Karmic Crystal of Justice, that duplicitous lez lawyer is untouchable by anyone seeking to enforce Decency and Goodness . . .

. . . Or IS she?