Monday, March 30, 2015

Les*bi*an*swering Some More Questions!

On my "Ask Me Anything" post, I received three questions -- or should I perhaps say queeries? -- which relate to my life as a lesbian. Here are the gripping answers!

Heartinhand of Heart in Hand asks: "When you came out, was the news well received by your family or do you wish they'd have handled it differently?"

I came out 30 years ago in the mid-1980s. Coming out was a bit more shocking to people in those days than it is now. I was very fortunate that my parents proved to be real troopers about it. There were some initial difficulties but all in all, things went pretty well. My Mom had suspected for years but my completely oblivious Dad was quite taken aback. However, they both adjusted relatively quickly and always treated my girlfriends well. My sister was basically estranged from me for about a year before she came to terms with my coming out. This surprised me because she was young and had lots of gay friends. I figured she'd be the coolest with it, but she wasn't. However, as she explained, "It's one thing when your friends are gay but it's another thing entirely when it's your OWN SISTER!"

Once everyone got used to the idea and realized I was, of course, still the same person I'd always been, we all became thick as thieves again and have remained so!

G.B. Miller of Father Nature's Corner inquired: "Since you feel so strongly about marriage (notice I didn't add the "G" word, 'cause you know if you want to make something more palatable for the masses you should not specify the difference between the two), when do you plan taking the plunge?"

Here's the unvarnished truth, G.B. I'm not married because, as Lady Gaga sings in one of her songs, "I'm a free bitch, baby!" Yes, I spent years doing my bit to help achieve same-sex marriage rights in Canada, but I only did so in order to piss off all the homophobic haters and to destroy western civilization as we know it. Mission accomplished, yay!

Rawknrobyn of Life by Chocolate - Robyn Alana Engel's Blog wanted to know: "What three things/factors turn you on?"

The three B's, baby -- booty, boobs and butches. That wasn't too crude, was it?

Friday, March 27, 2015


I'VE DONE IT! I finished it, everyone! Yes, after only six years of hit-and-miss effort, I can now say that I have read the unabridged version of Moby-Dick! Two previous attempts to read this book in my younger days failed -- but now I am victorious!

I know you're all deeply impressed, LOL.

But, despite all its challenges, Moby-Dick truly is the classic of literature that people say it is. The book's modern themes were far ahead of its time and even today, some of them are still denied or hard for people to accept.

And best of all, I'm now entitled to wear this cool t-shirt that proves I'm a --

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Alberta Sales Tax BLASPHEMY

In my "Ask Me Anything" post, Francie of A North End Journal inquired: "Why are Albertans so dead set against a sales tax? (Seriously, unless you want to explain your fascination with Colin Firth). Actually either question will do." Well, since it's impossible for anyone to explain my unnatural hankering for Colin Firth, it'll have to be the sales tax issue, I'm afraid.

First, a bit of background for American and other non-Canadian readers. Alberta is the ONLY province in Canada which does NOT levy a provincial sales tax (PST). Everywhere else, the PST ranges from 5-10% of purchase price. Like all Canadians, Albertans do have to pay the federal goods and services tax (GST) which is currently set at 5%. We don't like it, but we pay it.

When oil prices plummet and Alberta's boom 'n bust economy falls on hard times (like at the moment), the idea is sometimes tentatively floated of imposing a PST in this province to increase government revenue. And EVERY TIME, Albertans react (or some might say, over-react) by turning into an angry, howling mob brandishing pitchforks and torches, calling for the head(s) of whoever would DARE TO SUGGEST ANY SUCH THING. Here's why:

Alberta is, of course, a deeply conservative province often called "the Texas of the North" where the ideology of individualism, free enterprise and low taxes reigns supreme. Albertans are IMMENSELY PROUD of being the only province without the PST. It confirms in our own minds precisely why we are SUPERIOR to all the rest of you WEAK, WHINY, PINKO BASTARDS in this country. In other words, being PST-free is a fundamental cornerstone of Alberta's grandiose self-image. Albertans would rather STARVE than impose a provincial sales tax. It would quite literally be political suicide for any government to bring in a PST in Alberta.

So why would any Alberta government even raise the idea of PST? Precisely in order to whip up Albertans into this predictable froth 'n frenzy. Then Albertans will more easily accept whatever OTHER tax hike gets imposed instead of the PST because, BY GAWD, WE TRIUMPHED ONCE MORE against any attempt to levy an evil sales tax.

And there you have it.

[Political cartoon by Malcolm Mayes, Edmonton Journal, 2015]

Monday, March 23, 2015

Outdoor Bodily Functions

Okay, I can't put it off any longer. Last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, Pickleope of Strangely Naked had the utter impertinence to ask: Have you ever had to poop outside, and/or have you ever had an accident in your pants?

Well, technically I performed all my bodily functions outdoors until I was about 7 years old because my family did not have indoor plumbing until then. We had an outhouse in the back yard, as did everyone on our side of the railroad tracks. The Canadian Pacific Railway would not allow the town to extend municipal waterworks across their property and there was no way to legally force them. Eventually, my father made enough money to put in a private septic system for our house and at that point, my era of indoor peeing and pooping began.

One of the many reasons I despise camping so much is the possibility of having to go to the bathroom without even the luxury of an outhouse or other bathroom facilities, however rustic. I am proud to say that I have never truly pooped outdoors in the wild like a goddamn animal.

I have, however, peed outdoors in the wild. But I seem to be incapable of doing it without peeing all over myself.  Whatever the trick is to doing it right, I just cannot seem to master it. So that's why one of my most treasured possessions in this world is a Universal Unisex Portable Urinal. Basically, it's a male pee jug with an attachable female crotch cup so a woman can pee into the bottle standing up.

This handy device has saved my life on more than one occasion when forced to engage in such outdoorsy activities as * shudder * canoe trips, etc.

And dear Pickleope, that is all I'm telling you. Oh, except that this final LOL is especially for you because I know you'll get a kick out it --

Friday, March 20, 2015

Spring Equinox -- Ostara

We welcome the Spring Equinox today in the Northern Hemisphere. According to the pagan Wheel of the Year, Ostara marks the start of Spring. Well, perhaps in Europe where these holidays originated --

But not over here in the New World.

And you bloody skiers and Christians, quit undermining Spring RIGHT NOW!

Oh well, make the best of it, I guess, as we always do. Keep a happy thought!

Ostara blessings to you all!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Behold My Face

I don't know what you people think is meant by blogging ANONYMOUSLY but last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, there were several requests for me to post a photo of myself. Linda of Woke Up, Got Out of Bed, Mary/mxtodis123 of Moontides, Vanessa of Vanessa Morgan and Linda of Life and Linda are the scofflaws and rebels who insisted that I reveal all.

I have in fact posted photos of myself in the past but all of them very coyly hid my face. Today, however, I'm giving in to public pressure and posting a FULL FRONTAL PHOTO!

The little butch with the pixie cut is me. The blonde girly-girl beside me lived next door. This photo was taken on the front steps of my house in the summer of 1960 when I was 3 years old. I insisted that my favourite toy be in the photo as well. It was a fake-fur-covered mechanical bear who turned the pages of a little metallic book when wound up. I think that's a bag of Old Dutch chips or perhaps Hawkins' Cheezies by the girl next door. My Mom took this photo on a Kodak Brownie box camera, looking downwards into the viewfinder. It was hard to get a level photo in those days.

Willow of Whimsy Willows Farm asked: "Why do you think people want to put faces to dialogue?" I think it's a very human impulse to want to visualize who we're talking to. It helps to have a mental picture of a person when conversing or even when just thinking of them. So I understand people's requests to post a photo of myself, I really do.

You'll just have to picture me as an eternal 3 year old, that's all.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Happy Irish Heritage Day!

As I've mentioned before, pagans are ambivalent about celebrating St. Patrick's Day because St. Pat "drove the snakes out of Ireland" (i.e. ended paganism in the Emerald Isle) and we still resent it. However, I have no trouble celebrating Irish Heritage Day on this date! I've got a bit of the blarney in meself, after all.

In addition to sharing some Irish LOLs with you, I want to post this St. Paddy's Day limerick that my sister wrote especially for me last year. As you can see, she and I share a similar poetic sensibility and appreciation for the finer things in life:

                       There once was a man from Dover
                       Whose dating life was over.
                       He tried and he tried,
                       But finally he cried:
                     "Will no one stroke me clover?"

So with that image fresh in your minds, here's some more LOLs --

In all seriousness, there's no accent I like better than the lilt of the Auld Sod. So musical and beautiful to the ear!