Monday 30 March 2015

Les*bi*an*swering Some More Questions!

On my "Ask Me Anything" post, I received three questions -- or should I perhaps say queeries? -- which relate to my life as a lesbian. Here are the gripping answers!

Heartinhand of Heart in Hand asks: "When you came out, was the news well received by your family or do you wish they'd have handled it differently?"

I came out 30 years ago in the mid-1980s. Coming out was a bit more shocking to people in those days than it is now. I was very fortunate that my parents proved to be real troopers about it. There were some initial difficulties but all in all, things went pretty well. My Mom had suspected for years but my completely oblivious Dad was quite taken aback. However, they both adjusted relatively quickly and always treated my girlfriends well. My sister was basically estranged from me for about a year before she came to terms with my coming out. This surprised me because she was young and had lots of gay friends. I figured she'd be the coolest with it, but she wasn't. However, as she explained, "It's one thing when your friends are gay but it's another thing entirely when it's your OWN SISTER!"

Once everyone got used to the idea and realized I was, of course, still the same person I'd always been, we all became thick as thieves again and have remained so!

G.B. Miller of Father Nature's Corner inquired: "Since you feel so strongly about marriage (notice I didn't add the "G" word, 'cause you know if you want to make something more palatable for the masses you should not specify the difference between the two), when do you plan taking the plunge?"

Here's the unvarnished truth, G.B. I'm not married because, as Lady Gaga sings in one of her songs, "I'm a free bitch, baby!" Yes, I spent years doing my bit to help achieve same-sex marriage rights in Canada, but I only did so in order to piss off all the homophobic haters and to destroy western civilization as we know it. Mission accomplished, yay!

Rawknrobyn of Life by Chocolate - Robyn Alana Engel's Blog wanted to know: "What three things/factors turn you on?"

The three B's, baby -- booty, boobs and butches. That wasn't too crude, was it?

Friday 27 March 2015


I'VE DONE IT! I finished it, everyone! Yes, after only six years of hit-and-miss effort, I can now say that I have read the unabridged version of Moby-Dick! Two previous attempts to read this book in my younger days failed -- but now I am victorious!

I know you're all deeply impressed, LOL.

But, despite all its challenges, Moby-Dick truly is the classic of literature that people say it is. The book's modern themes were far ahead of its time and even today, some of them are still denied or hard for people to accept.

And best of all, I'm now entitled to wear this cool t-shirt that proves I'm a --

Wednesday 25 March 2015

Alberta Sales Tax BLASPHEMY

In my "Ask Me Anything" post, Francie of A North End Journal inquired: "Why are Albertans so dead set against a sales tax? (Seriously, unless you want to explain your fascination with Colin Firth). Actually either question will do." Well, since it's impossible for anyone to explain my unnatural hankering for Colin Firth, it'll have to be the sales tax issue, I'm afraid.

First, a bit of background for American and other non-Canadian readers. Alberta is the ONLY province in Canada which does NOT levy a provincial sales tax (PST). Everywhere else, the PST ranges from 5-10% of purchase price. Like all Canadians, Albertans do have to pay the federal goods and services tax (GST) which is currently set at 5%. We don't like it, but we pay it.

When oil prices plummet and Alberta's boom 'n bust economy falls on hard times (like at the moment), the idea is sometimes tentatively floated of imposing a PST in this province to increase government revenue. And EVERY TIME, Albertans react (or some might say, over-react) by turning into an angry, howling mob brandishing pitchforks and torches, calling for the head(s) of whoever would DARE TO SUGGEST ANY SUCH THING. Here's why:

Alberta is, of course, a deeply conservative province often called "the Texas of the North" where the ideology of individualism, free enterprise and low taxes reigns supreme. Albertans are IMMENSELY PROUD of being the only province without the PST. It confirms in our own minds precisely why we are SUPERIOR to all the rest of you WEAK, WHINY, PINKO BASTARDS in this country. In other words, being PST-free is a fundamental cornerstone of Alberta's grandiose self-image. Albertans would rather STARVE than impose a provincial sales tax. It would quite literally be political suicide for any government to bring in a PST in Alberta.

So why would any Alberta government even raise the idea of PST? Precisely in order to whip up Albertans into this predictable froth 'n frenzy. Then Albertans will more easily accept whatever OTHER tax hike gets imposed instead of the PST because, BY GAWD, WE TRIUMPHED ONCE MORE against any attempt to levy an evil sales tax.

And there you have it.

[Political cartoon by Malcolm Mayes, Edmonton Journal, 2015]

Monday 23 March 2015

Outdoor Bodily Functions

Okay, I can't put it off any longer. Last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, Pickleope of Strangely Naked had the utter impertinence to ask: Have you ever had to poop outside, and/or have you ever had an accident in your pants?

Well, technically I performed all my bodily functions outdoors until I was about 7 years old because my family did not have indoor plumbing until then. We had an outhouse in the back yard, as did everyone on our side of the railroad tracks. The Canadian Pacific Railway would not allow the town to extend municipal waterworks across their property and there was no way to legally force them. Eventually, my father made enough money to put in a private septic system for our house and at that point, my era of indoor peeing and pooping began.

One of the many reasons I despise camping so much is the possibility of having to go to the bathroom without even the luxury of an outhouse or other bathroom facilities, however rustic. I am proud to say that I have never truly pooped outdoors in the wild like a goddamn animal.

I have, however, peed outdoors in the wild. But I seem to be incapable of doing it without peeing all over myself.  Whatever the trick is to doing it right, I just cannot seem to master it. So that's why one of my most treasured possessions in this world is a Universal Unisex Portable Urinal. Basically, it's a male pee jug with an attachable female crotch cup so a woman can pee into the bottle standing up.

This handy device has saved my life on more than one occasion when forced to engage in such outdoorsy activities as * shudder * canoe trips, etc.

And dear Pickleope, that is all I'm telling you. Oh, except that this final LOL is especially for you because I know you'll get a kick out it --

Friday 20 March 2015

Spring Equinox -- Ostara

We welcome the Spring Equinox today in the Northern Hemisphere. According to the pagan Wheel of the Year, Ostara marks the start of Spring. Well, perhaps in Europe where these holidays originated --

But not over here in the New World.

And you bloody skiers and Christians, quit undermining Spring RIGHT NOW!

Oh well, make the best of it, I guess, as we always do. Keep a happy thought!

Ostara blessings to you all!

Thursday 19 March 2015

Behold My Face

I don't know what you people think is meant by blogging ANONYMOUSLY but last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, there were several requests for me to post a photo of myself. Linda of Woke Up, Got Out of Bed, Mary/mxtodis123 of Moontides, Vanessa of Vanessa Morgan and Linda of Life and Linda are the scofflaws and rebels who insisted that I reveal all.

I have in fact posted photos of myself in the past but all of them very coyly hid my face. Today, however, I'm giving in to public pressure and posting a FULL FRONTAL PHOTO!

The little butch with the pixie cut is me. The blonde girly-girl beside me lived next door. This photo was taken on the front steps of my house in the summer of 1960 when I was 3 years old. I insisted that my favourite toy be in the photo as well. It was a fake-fur-covered mechanical bear who turned the pages of a little metallic book when wound up. I think that's a bag of Old Dutch chips or perhaps Hawkins' Cheezies by the girl next door. My Mom took this photo on a Kodak Brownie box camera, looking downwards into the viewfinder. It was hard to get a level photo in those days.

Willow of Whimsy Willows Farm asked: "Why do you think people want to put faces to dialogue?" I think it's a very human impulse to want to visualize who we're talking to. It helps to have a mental picture of a person when conversing or even when just thinking of them. So I understand people's requests to post a photo of myself, I really do.

You'll just have to picture me as an eternal 3 year old, that's all.

Tuesday 17 March 2015

Happy Irish Heritage Day!

As I've mentioned before, pagans are ambivalent about celebrating St. Patrick's Day because St. Pat "drove the snakes out of Ireland" (i.e. ended paganism in the Emerald Isle) and we still resent it. However, I have no trouble celebrating Irish Heritage Day on this date! I've got a bit of the blarney in meself, after all.

In addition to sharing some Irish LOLs with you, I want to post this St. Paddy's Day limerick that my sister wrote especially for me last year. As you can see, she and I share a similar poetic sensibility and appreciation for the finer things in life:

                       There once was a man from Dover
                       Whose dating life was over.
                       He tried and he tried,
                       But finally he cried:
                     "Will no one stroke me clover?"

So with that image fresh in your minds, here's some more LOLs --

In all seriousness, there's no accent I like better than the lilt of the Auld Sod. So musical and beautiful to the ear!

Sunday 15 March 2015

"Beware March the 15th' Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring

Today in 44 BCE, Julius Caesar was pretty grumpy and quite rightly so.

To mark Caesar's assassination, you can do your very own re-enactment at home!

It's kind of labour intensive though.

Screw history, Apple knows how to make ancient dates relevant for today's consumers --

Watch your back today, eh?

Thursday 12 March 2015

How Many Shades?

I guess it's time for me to finally get on the Fifty Shades of Grey bandwagon too. Consensual BDSM is not my personal cuppa tea, y'understand, but I'm not prepared to be a Judgy McJudge if it's yours. We've ALL got our favourite kinks, now don't we?

Of course there will always be the HIPSTERS who are keen to be blasé or ironic about the whole thing.

(Hey, I read the One Shade of Grey trilogy 3 times . . . so only 47 more times to go!)

But while there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy, eventually we DO all have to get back to reality. Unexciting, dull, GREY reality . . . .

Remember your safe word, everyone!

Tuesday 10 March 2015

A Lava Cake, a Mickey of Rye, and Thou

Today I'm going to answer some food-and-drink questions posed in my "Ask Me Anything" post of last month.

Dawna of Dawna Lee -- Because It Matters asks: "What's your favourite food?"
This is a really tough question for me because food has always been my drug of choice. Forget booze, drugs, gambling, etc -- food is my downfall. Desserts in particular are my Achilles' Heel. I've really had to cut back on my consumption over the years. Now I try to satisfy my cravings just by looking at food porn on the internet.

Crystal of Crystal Collier wants to know "What is your favourite type of cheese?"
Like most Canadians of my generation, I was raised on Velveeta and Kraft slices, so it's a wonder I have a taste for cheese at all. As an adult, my cheese preferences remain pretty conservative. Asiago is about as wild 'n crazy as I get. I cannot abide strong-tasting goat cheese in any form. And thank you for asking this question because my favourite Monty Python sketch of all time is "The Cheese Shop" and now I have a reason to post it!

Dexter Klemperer of Dexter's Midnight Musings inquires: "Canadian Whisky, Irish Whiskey, Scotch or bourbon?"
Gimme a mickey of good Canadian rye with Coca-Cola as mix, of course -- the de rigueur cocktail of choice at only the finest of Canuckian bush parties!

This next question may not seem food-related but the answer will reveal otherwise. Mistress Maddie of A Day with The Mistress Borghese asks: "If you could take over for a God or Goddess, which one would it be and why?"
I would want all the perks of being Divine but without any of the endless work and aggravation that always seem to come with the job description. So I think I'd choose to take over for the Norse Goddess Idunn, She Who Renews. Her only responsibility appears to be keeping Asgard well-stocked with Apples of Eternal Youth and Immortality. How hard could that be? I bet there's lots of leisure time with that position.

And finally, the Insomniac of Insomniac's Attic says: "Want to do lunch? You know, if I ever get up to Edmonchuk?"
Sure thing! Just let me know when you'll be in #YEG. If it's summer, maybe we can dine at Edmonton's favourite food truck, eh?

Sunday 8 March 2015

Thanks, Lesley Gore

Today on International Women's Day, I want to pay tribute to Lesley Gore, the mid-1960s American teenage singing sensation who just died last month at 68. Most of her hit songs were typical of their day -- boy-crazy pop ditties heavy on female masochistic lyrics like It's My Party and Judy's Turn to Cry. But then there was You Don't Own Me, a 1963 song of defiance and independence that foreshadowed the coming feminist movement of the 1970s -- a song ahead of its time and one that still resonates today.

As an adult, Leslie Gore came out and lived her life openly as a lesbian. So in our community, we always sing her famous song with one small change to the lyrics -- "You don't own me -- don't say I can't go without the boys!"

May she truly be in lesbian heaven now, although I'm not sure it would look quite like this, LOL --

And in farewell, I'm going to post just one more of her bouncy tunes -- a particular favourite of mine and one that My Rare One and I still sing to each other all the time!

Saturday 7 March 2015

Spring Forward Tonight!

Daylight Saving Time is upon us once more -- don't forget to turn your clocks forward an hour TONIGHT before you go to bed!

You know two jurisdictions that DON'T switch to Daylight Saving Time? Saskatchewan and Hawaii. Believe me, that's the ONLY thing those two places have in common!

Ha ha, I leave MY car clock on Daylight Saving Time ALL YEAR LONG! Tomorrow it will actually tell the correct time again, YAY!

My cat Her Royal Highness HATED any fiddling with the time of her gushy food meal. Unless she fiddled with the time herself by nagging us RELENTLESSLY to push it forward.

Of course, don't EVER confuse "spring forward" with the arrival of ACTUAL SPRING. Two entirely unrelated concepts, especially here in Canada.

Have you ever forgotten to "spring forward" and then been LATE for everything the next day? Yeah, we've all been there!

I know the girl and her cat in this photo aren't late for their train to whichever fantasy land they're off to but I'm too lazy to look up a different image. After all, I've got to preserve my energy because I'm about to lose an HOUR'S worth of SLEEP tonight. GAH!