Monday, 23 March 2015

Outdoor Bodily Functions

Okay, I can't put it off any longer. Last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, Pickleope of Strangely Naked had the utter impertinence to ask: Have you ever had to poop outside, and/or have you ever had an accident in your pants?


Well, technically I performed all my bodily functions outdoors until I was about 7 years old because my family did not have indoor plumbing until then. We had an outhouse in the back yard, as did everyone on our side of the railroad tracks. The Canadian Pacific Railway would not allow the town to extend municipal waterworks across their property and there was no way to legally force them. Eventually, my father made enough money to put in a private septic system for our house and at that point, my era of indoor peeing and pooping began.


One of the many reasons I despise camping so much is the possibility of having to go to the bathroom without even the luxury of an outhouse or other bathroom facilities, however rustic. I am proud to say that I have never truly pooped outdoors in the wild like a goddamn animal.

I have, however, peed outdoors in the wild. But I seem to be incapable of doing it without peeing all over myself.  Whatever the trick is to doing it right, I just cannot seem to master it. So that's why one of my most treasured possessions in this world is a Universal Unisex Portable Urinal. Basically, it's a male pee jug with an attachable female crotch cup so a woman can pee into the bottle standing up.


This handy device has saved my life on more than one occasion when forced to engage in such outdoorsy activities as * shudder * canoe trips, etc.

And dear Pickleope, that is all I'm telling you. Oh, except that this final LOL is especially for you because I know you'll get a kick out it --


49 comments:

Insomniac’s Attic said...

Like a goddamn animal ... hahaha!

That last one is both Hilarious And Disgusting.

mxtodis123 said...

Oh my, this reminds me of the old days of outhouses and camping. LOL!!!
Mary

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

This is without a doubt going to be the most captivating - and entertaining - blog post of the day! And I've used an outhouse when I was a kid when we visited relatives in Greece. It was an 'interesting' experience (to say the least) that I should write about sometime.

jadedj said...

Inoformative. But alas, these images will be forever fixed in my mind when I visit this bloggy place of yours. Just so you know ;)

strangelynaked.com said...

I'd like to deny that the last part (and the rest of this post) made me chuckle, but I'd be a liar, a juvenile, infantile liar. I forgot that I asked it, but I'd damn glad I did. Everyone has a story about having to defecate or urinate outdoors, but I could not imagine that yours included your entire early childhood and a strange jug with an attachment. That pee jug doesn't look big enough to contain an entire pee session. I'd rather not have the danger of overflow.
Thank you for answering.

Sarita Rucker said...

I'm kind of laughing to myself, I used to do a lot of camping when I was a teen and this sometimes resulted in me just using a hole in the ground. Usually it was a hole with a biffy (or outhouse) over it, occasionally not.

anne marie in philly said...

peed but never pooped in the woods with no facility nearby (not whilst camping).

have never used an outhouse either; closest I've come is a porta-potty and those things are FOUL!

Gia said...

You can always count on pickleope to come up with a good question!

Mark said...

I've heard of the She-Wee and other such devices that allow women to pee everywhere. I hadn't heard of someone actually using one. My house had an outdoor bathroom when I was younger but thankfully we also had an indoor one. Kinda miss the outdoor one though. It was handy when living in a full house.

DEZMOND said...

as a kid I pooped once behind somebody's car and he saw me and thought me was stealing it... oh, how scared poor lil' pooping me was....

Michael D'Agostino said...

That's a disturbing image for a product and I hope I never have to meet the person who invented it :P

Jeanne said...

Love this post! :o)
I applaud Pickleope for having the gumption to ask such a personal question. Something I know some of my readers are wanting to (or maybe not) ask about with our tipi living.
My mom grew up w/o indoor plumbing and she despised camping for the very same reason as you!

Snap said...

All the reasons why I didn't like camping. I love being outdoors, but, oh my ... what to do when you have to gooooooooo!

The Happy Whisk said...

Hahahaha, that sign is flipin' funny. I just read it to Frankenberry. Good stuff, Deb.

Thanks for the Monday Fun Day.

laurie said...

lol,, !!!!!

that last bit made my stomach kind of turn lol,,,,,

Anne Johnson said...

I was once on a campsite with a pit toilet. I was never so glad to get back to civilization. We too had an outhouse (at my grandparents' farm), and what I chiefly remember is that large stinging insects, wasps especially, seemed to like hanging out in there. Granddad didn't dig a septic system until 1972, and against many protests, my uncle tore down the outhouse in 1987. We protested because using an outhouse was one way to conserve water. Sure enough, the property started having water table problems in the 1990s, which meant only flushing the toilet inside once a day. Now THAT was gross.

mistress maddie said...

Well.......im so glad we had this conversation today. * goes back to drinking lemonade *

A Beer For The Shower said...

I laughed just as hard as I cringed at that last pic...

I've never had to poop outside either. The campsites we visit always have outhouses. My biggest fear? Inadvertently using poison ivy toilet paper.

Lois said...

OMG! I can't pee outside either. I always pee on my foot. Love camping, but must admit to frequenting campgrounds with flush toilets... And showers.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Yup, grew up without an indoor outhouse myself, and until about the same age as well. Our 'shower' was a pipe in the basement...

When the folks bought a house with working bathrooms their water bill must have been tremendous; I bathed at least twice a day in the huge old clawfoot tub. That's outwith flushing the toilet repeatedly, just because I could. As for peeing outside... Well, I had four older brothers constantly pushing me to reach new heights of stupidity, 'nuff said.

Rosemary said...

You want to try peeing in some country toilets in Italy and also China, especially when wearing tights - there is just a round hole in the ground.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Your hillbilly roots run deep. I love camping just because of the great sleeps and great poops that you can have. I don't know what it is but I understand why the bears love it so much now.

jaz@octoberfarm said...

i am sure we have all sharted ourselves at least once?!

turquoisemoon said...

hahaha...I think this is one of those "too much information" times.

lady M said...

Tee hee - I pee outside at least once a day. It is impossible to get through a 5 mile hike without doing so. However, a little Kleenex and a plastic bag to put it in save me from having to carry a urinal. Good post - I enjoyed it. But what a question to ask!

Miss Val's Creations said...

LOL! Like you I have peed in the wild outdoors, but not pooped without a seat. The urinal thing is hysterical. I didn't know such a thing existed but it reminds me of a device one of the inmates came up with on Orange is The New Black to avoid the nasty seat.

Sunnybrook Farm said...

My grandmother told me of how her public school house back in the hills didn't have an outhouse but instead had a shovel that the kids would take out in the nearby wooded area and dig a hole. Talk about a back to the earth movement so to speak. I didn't think to ask about toilet paper but I suspect that something else was used.

Lauren Farrow said...

LOL! You'd be shocked to see all the "Female Urination Devices" available on Amazon.

I agree with Rosemary, you haven't hated a public restroom as much as you will until you visit Asia and try NOT to pee all over your pants when you squat! In that case, being outdoors may have been better!

Guillaume said...

The things we learn reading a blog. And I was afraid my question was too personal and a tad crass.

Leeanna said...

AHAHAHAAHAHAAAA!! Pickleope. I love it.

Dawna said...

Wow.. look at that Jug!!

psychelyn said...

Hahaha I was so laughing at this and my husband asked me if I 'm reading a blog about poop after seeing the picture. I said yes, about pooping and peeing outside :))))

I didn't know there's a portable urinal like that. I just know about disposable toilet seat covers.

psychelyn said...

P.S. I would think the urinal as another type of springkler can used to water plants :)))

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Leave it to Pickleope Von Pickleope to ask the burning questions we've all been wondering but were afraid to ask. You're a very resourceful woman, Deb. It's a good invention to know about, if not purchase.

Rommy said...

Bwa-ha-ha! Oh gods that sign is priceless!

Adam said...

The olden days where people ate inside and went to the bathroom outside.

JACKIESUE said...

I have peed all over my legs my pants and my shoes outdoors..never pooped outside except in an outhouse..you have some strange friends

Dixie@dcrelief said...

My only outhouse adventure included a fat,black spider who dropped from the ceiling - I nearly died.

Birdie said...

I would rather shit in the middle of the highway then use an outhouse. That is some messed up shit. That said, when I was in Girl Guides we used an outhouse and always threw a scoop of dirt down after. It was so clean and un-smelly.

Empty Nest Insider said...

This was hilarious! I will never look at Milk Duds the same way again! The Universal Unisex Portable Urinal is a wonderful invention. It's perfect for the gal on the go!

Julie

Missy George said...

Gorgeous outhouse..I'd be proud to use that..I can't imagine asking anyone that question..Gees

Ol'Buzzard said...

When we lived in Alaska it was one hundred and fifty miles on dirt road into the Indian village where we taught school and in the winter the trip sometimes took four hours or more and we always stopped at the half way mark to pee. My wife had one of the female pee cups with a little spout so she would not have to drop her pants at forty below. It was a learning curve for her; she had to learn things that most five year old boys already know; like you don't pee into the wind.
the Ol'Buzzard

heartinhand said...

When we are camping, my husband pitches a fit if I use the camper toilet for pooping. I tell him that is the only reason I can camp is because I have my own toilet!
I haven't squatted to pee outside since I was in high school. I bet I could still do it. (Although I'd be hard pressed to get up from a squat.)

secondbacchus.org said...

Ah, memories...

http://bit.ly/19POS2m

Also, if I apologize if I just submitted like 12 or so identical comments. I don't quite remember how Blogger works.

But I'm happy to be back.

-Sweeney J. (Evn)

Dexter Klemperer said...

I used an outhouse on a primitive camping weekend and used an outhouse. The only scary part was the possibility of being attacked by a bear while doing my business.

Under the willow tree said...

I like the idea of that universal portable urinal :) ...

Jenna E said...

I have never used that she-pee thing, totally creeps me out. I am a squatter lol

Jim said...

Did you ever think that you would be revealing this, Debra! Oh what we will do for our followers!
I can't even go near an outhouse and I don't care how clean it is.....I can only hold my breath for so long!!
Neat little contraption for women to use....and makes a lot of sense.
A good way to keep unwanted critters off your property, pee in those areas. It works, trust me!

Kamyria said...

Ha ha ha this post was hilarious... and the very last part... omg :o

I both peed and pooped in the woods at some point in my life... pooping is a bit more tricky though.. lol

Nice to meet you btw. I'm glad I found your blog. :)