Okay, I can't put it off any longer. Last month on my "Ask Me Anything" post, Pickleope of Strangely Naked had the utter impertinence to ask: Have you ever had to poop outside, and/or have you ever had an accident in your pants?
Well, technically I performed all my bodily functions outdoors until I was about 7 years old because my family did not have indoor plumbing until then. We had an outhouse in the back yard, as did everyone on our side of the railroad tracks. The Canadian Pacific Railway would not allow the town to extend municipal waterworks across their property and there was no way to legally force them. Eventually, my father made enough money to put in a private septic system for our house and at that point, my era of indoor peeing and pooping began.
One of the many reasons I despise camping so much is the possibility of having to go to the bathroom without even the luxury of an outhouse or other bathroom facilities, however rustic. I am proud to say that I have never truly pooped outdoors in the wild like a goddamn animal.
I have, however, peed outdoors in the wild. But I seem to be incapable of doing it without peeing all over myself. Whatever the trick is to doing it right, I just cannot seem to master it. So that's why one of my most treasured possessions in this world is a Universal Unisex Portable Urinal. Basically, it's a male pee jug with an attachable female crotch cup so a woman can pee into the bottle standing up.
This handy device has saved my life on more than one occasion when forced to engage in such outdoorsy activities as * shudder * canoe trips, etc.
And dear Pickleope, that is all I'm telling you. Oh, except that this final LOL is especially for you because I know you'll get a kick out it --