Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Raising the Tone of this Blog


Hello. Her Royal Highness here. Like the rest of you, I can't help but notice that the tone of this blog has degenerated lately into superficial fluff, adolescent sexual fantasies about Colin Firth and descriptions of gastrointestinal distress. Therefore, I am intervening in order to post something with more literary merit -- an extract from the greatest medieval poem ever written, Beocat. You're welcome.


Brave Beocat, brood-kit of Ecgthmeow,
Hearth-pet of Hrothgar in whose high halls
He mauled without mercy many fat mice,
Night did not find napping nor snack-feasting.
The wary war-cat, whiskered paw-wielder,
Bearer of the burnished neck-belt gold-braided collar band,
Feller of fleas fatal, too to ticks,
The work of wonder-smiths, woven with witches' charms,
Sat upon the throne-seat his ears like sword-points
Upraised, sharp-tipped, listening for peril-sounds,
When he heard from the moor-hill howls of the hell-hound,
Gruesome hunger-grunts of Grendel's Great Dane,
Deadly doom-mutt, dread demon-dog.
Then boasted Beocat, noble battle-kitten,
Bane of barrow-bunnies, bold seeker of nest-booty:
"If hand of man unhasped the heavy hall-door
And freed me to frolic forth to fight the fang-bearing fiend,
I would lay the whelpling low with lethal claw-blows;
Fur would fly and the foe would taste death-food.
But resounding snooze-noise, stern slumber-thunder,
Nose-music of men snoring mead-hammered in the wine-hall,
Fills me with sorrow-feeling for Fate does not see fit
To send some fingered folk to lift the firm-fastened latch
That I might go grapple with the grim ghoul-pooch."
Thus spoke the mouse-shredder, hunter of hall-pests,
Short-haired Hrodent-slayer, greatest of the pussy-Geats.

[From Poetry for Cats by Henry Beard (Villard, 1994)]

25 comments:

Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches said...

Good job someone's helping you raise the tone - I think I need some help on mine too... I am on the slippery slope downhill!!

jaz@octoberfarm said...

there are no depths of irreverence in this house! my kids and i laughed until we were sick over that site!

Jeanne said...

Bravo!! {claps hands with delight}
Thank you for giving us a dose of culture. :0)

Elena said...

So what's wrong with a degenerated blog? But oh that kitty pic is sooo cool!

Just A Gal said...

Here, here!! All hail the greatest of the....pussy-Geats...hehehehehehehehe.

BugginWord said...

'Bout time you classed it up around here. I was about to stop calling you profound or spiritual or whatever the heck it is I call you when you're looking. :)

Suzie said...

Oh gad. .I have a cat that looks just like that. .same attitude too.

Thank you for raising the cultural level of blogdom. .hopefully others will follow suit.

I was on that slippery slope to sleezeland, and didn't even realize it. Thank you for saving me. .saving all of us from such peril.

SUZY8-TRACK said...

Stay classy!

The Frog Queen said...

Culture? Oh no! Don't anyone get any ideas about my blog rising to the occasion....no, I like it down here, my friends are here :D

Absolutely great post! LMAO!

Cheers!

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Dear Your Royal Highness,
This Dear Blog Owner is so lucky, to have you in her household. Always at the ready, to raise the blog-tone, when needed.

I on the other hand, have no such Royal Highness, to uplift my lowly blog. So it toddles along, in its various shades of silliness, depravity, etc.

But I am sure that your Dear Blog Owner, is ever so grateful for YOU!

Mmmm, an extra can of Fancy Feast, perhaps, tonight????????????

Hugs and ♥'s...
'Cause Valentine Day is coming!
..♥..♥..♥..

turquoisemoon said...

ha ha ha...ho ho ho!!! You're a flippin hoot!!!

Jim said...

Gee, I wonder if 'Colin' would approve of this switch of venue?

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

Dexter here...pushed the hooman off her chair...I like this

Beatnheart said...

I hear Colin Firth has a cat.

LauraX said...

I was getting concerned with tone myself...way too silly and superficial...finally a post with a lithesome, yet powerful backbone!

Holly Ruggiero said...

I love that first pic. I’ve been like that all day!

Lois said...

That was clever, and enjoyable to read! Good for today.

Lisa said...

Hope the cats dont mind but I am bringing my Lab and my Poodle over to stay with you, at least until the end of the Australian summer.....

we are prepared to STAY OUTSIDE just to be cool.......

Rue said...

"...bold seeker of nest-booty..."

HRH! I'm blushing!

Wait...is that booty, like pirate's gold? Or...naughty booty?

Wendy said...

Oh HRH is certainly a muse of great catness. And somehow the combination of Colin Firth and Cats blend together quite beautifully I think.

Patsy said...

Helpful Kitteh is helpful.

Great stuff! :o)

Blueberry said...

MUST get "Poetry For Cats" !!!

Amanda said...

This is so totally awesome. I hope you don't mind if I cross-post this?

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sure, Amanda, go ahead!

Thalia said...

OMG that poem is awesome. 'Hrodent-slayer' and 'mead-hammered' heh. We need more cunning epithets and alliterative verse in this world. Also, lamenting the lack of opposable thumbs is ftw!

So awesome.