Agents of H.A.R.E. Chapter 5 -- Hell Hath No Fury

With HRH Spayed and Agents Yuri, Knut and Buster Borghese clustered behind me, I stared down She Who Seeks. As H.A.R.E.’s top agent and best field operative, I am not easily intimidated.

“I’ll tell you what we’re doing in your office. Allow me to quote the official motto of H.A.R.E. -- Futuo Circum et Cognoscere. It means Fuck Around and Find Out. We’re here to see JUSTICE prevail!”

I activated a GPS transmitter signal on my phone. The office immediately filled with a familiar firenado of explosive light, heat, and rage.

“Good work, Commander Tundra Bunny,” Mother Nature roared. “I’ll take it from here.”

Only fools cross Mother Nature. Sure, she’s nurturing, generous, bountiful, and life-affirming. Until you do her the dirty, like killing her Chief Wizard and stealing her Karmic Crystal of Justice for evil purposes. Incidentally (and this is a fact not known to many people, including She Who Seeks), the Karmic Crystal of Justice doubles as a shockingly powerful bomb when needed. All Mother Nature had to do was detonate it while teleporting us outside to safety.

 

As we walked away from the smoking crater that was once the headquarters of the Translesbigay Mafia, a single sensible shoe, charred and blackened, fell out of the sky, narrowly missing HRH Spayed. A cockroach skittered out of the shoe, desperately trying to escape.

“GOTCHA!” Spayed exclaimed in triumph while stomping on it. “Like Shakespeare said, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

After saying our farewells to Mother Nature and the other Agents of H.A.R.E., Spayed and I walked on under the alternating streetlights of the dark avenue, Spayed’s fedora and trench coat only dimly visible in the gloom.

“Tundra Bunny, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“No, it isn’t,” I replied. “I’m allergic to cats.”

[Story © Tundra Bunny and Debra She Who Seeks, 2024.

Art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2024]