Tuesday 7 February 2023

The Big Sleazy, Chapter 1


It wasn’t enough that I was nursing a lion-sized catnip hangover that morning. Fate had more punishment in store for me. Trouble waltzed into my office in the form of a dame carrying a big briefcase.

“Are you Private Investigator HRH Spayed?”

I gave her the once-over through bloodshot eyes. Oh, I knew her type. Tailored pant suit and sensible shoes. Short hair. No makeup. A Bar Association pin in her lapel. A lawyer. A lez lawyer.

“What’s it to you if I am?”

“Answering a question with another question. Nice. I like that.”

Yeah, a lawyer alright.

“I want to retain your services to locate something for me. Something valuable. I’ll make it worth your while.”

“Show me the money, toots.”

She snapped open her briefcase. It was lined with bundles of moolah, all in big denominations.

“There’s lots more where this came from. Plus you’ll have an unlimited expense account.”

I wiped the drool off my whiskers and cleared a space in the clutter on my desk to take notes.

“Okay, gimme the deets.”

“I’m seeking a very valuable mystical amulet whose power will enable me to win every court case I take. It’s called the Karmic Crystal of Justice. Word on the street is that it’s currently controlled by a gang of nefarious criminals. I need you to find it for me.”

“Can do, shweetheart,” I purred. “Consider it done. And since I like to know my clients’ names, who are you when you’re at home?”

“Just call me . . . She Who Seeks. That’s all you need to know.”





[Story, art and photo of art © Debra She Who Seeks, 2023]

39 comments:

Mistress Maddie said...

Oh...this should be good. And what's not to like about the word toots? It's not used enough these days you ask me.

Moving with Mitchell said...

What an intro. And so short it’s like one of those Buster Crabb Flash Gordon episodes. Will tomorrow never come?!? And HRH Spayed. You’re a litter-ary genius.

Bob said...

HRH Spayed.
From the start you slayed me.

BootsandBraids said...

Move over Mickey Spillane. Another crime novelist is in the house.

Pixie said...

Well done!

Martha said...

Amazing intro! I'm hooked...

Janie Junebug said...

I love it! Can't wait for the next installment.

Love,
Janie

Travel said...

LOVE IT, great turns of phrase.

NanaDiana said...

Oh! I love this! Can't wait for more and more and more. You are a good writer---why am I not surprised? Happy Tuesday, my friend. xo Diana

Marcia LaRue said...

Ahhh ... I fear that if the crystal is discovered, Investigator Spayed won't be able to relinquish the bauble because it is shiny and, you know, cats and shiny things! LOL

Boud said...

Great illustration! And yes, next chapter please.

jaz@octoberfarm said...

this is going to be fun!

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Ohhh so good!
“Show me the money, toots.”
And that's when I lost it and my orange juice almost killed me.

XOXO

Tundra Bunny said...

HRH Spayed -- good pun! You surprised me with the "Karmic Crystal of Justice" though. I thought the treasured object would be the Maltese Fish, a Faberge Fur Ball, or Bronze Bastet stuffed with high-grade catnip, LOL!

baili said...

Oh I enjoyed the drama and thrill involved in this meet up :)

You are amazing writer indeed just like you are an excellent painter dear Debra!

I bet you been winning most of the cases and I can say so because of the impressive strength you show in your words in your posts

e said...

Good job, toots! I have the biggest grin on my mug!

bobbie said...

Big grins here!! More!

Liz Hinds said...

Oh my! Not the amulet?!

Old Lurker said...

Someone should tell Ms Spayed that smoking is bad for her, as is overdoing the catnip.

roentare said...

What a fun conversation and a nice cartoon

Mike said...

Sensible shoes?! Say it ain't so!

Lady M said...

Very good toots - looking forward to more.

G. B. Miller said...

I love tongue planted firmly in cheek stories (makes me want to start writing them again). Looking forward to the next chapter of "HRH Spayed"

Kay G. said...

SPAYED, ha ha!

Joanne Noragon said...

I'll be here tomorrow, datz for sure.

Marie Smith said...

I laughed out loud! The Spayed name is genius. Loved it! More please!

River said...

First chapter and already I like it :)

Richard said...


I would like to live with a cat again. I live in an area where they are suspicious creatures. Our mom raised us with cats. I have met some nice remarkable cats. This happened in the before the times.
Used to be, you could just go to the local market or dumpster and rescue a kitten and live happily ever after with a nice cat.

If Mohamed cut his sleeve off to not disturb his cat,
Why will he not be a useful prophet? That particular story sticks in my mind. I get tired of islam and christianity.
Could it be worse? Probably.
I have been cursing since the day i was born, and no way will i turn christian or islam. You want a manifesto? You want to talk about cats?

Richard said...

Oh no! I wiped the drool off my whiskers! Come over here! We are poor, but we have nice food! Se hablamos espanol, but our specialty is lamb kebabs with ajvar. Thanks to our talented staff, we can offer tacos de lengua for your homesickness feelings. Sometimes, lengua doesn't translate in to english.
So we call it beef tongue. I am tired of the joke. They always say eew disgusting a cow tongue.
Right then, that is when i start to sort them out. If they are vegetarians or vegans, that is not a problem. Total respect. But i like a nice chilled slice of beef toungue with salt. So do what you will.
V

Kirk said...

Since you've adopted his style, take a look at this picture of Raymond Chandler:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/468867011175975081/

Debra She Who Seeks said...

@ Kirk -- Aha! A cat lover! I knew it! Thanks for the photographic evidence.

Quinley said...

Ooh I love this so far. :) I love the idea of a cat noir.
-Quinley

Adam said...

I think that was my favorite bit

The Captain said...

I love a classic gunshot story...

I'll get the popcorn.

Busy Bee Suz said...

A Lez Lawyer!
This is awesome!

yellowdoggranny said...

and the adventure begins

Guillaume said...

Oh I'm late in the news! Got some catching up to do.

Hena Tayeb said...

Love it Toots.

Rommy said...

LOL, I'm loving it already. And that picture is perfect!